療傷·中島美嘉 Healing · Nakashima Mika

Photograph: http://www.jbook.co.jp/p/p.aspx/2591858/s/
日文翻譯:蔡育儒

又失眠了。失眠像定時循環回來的噩夢般跟我糾纏不清,這種糾纏不清的藕斷絲連可一點也不好玩,因爲它經已困擾著我七八年了。七八年不斷復發的病讓我身心俱疲,不知道經已有多少次這樣徹夜不眠白天又照樣硬撐著眼皮開車,爲失眠淌血的一顆心早已無力計算一年失眠多少天。

車廂的CD唱盤播放著中島美嘉的〈ひとり〉

君といた想い出に
寄り添いながら生きている
情けない僕だけど
今でも
忘れられない

(跟你在一起的回憶,一直揮之不去
我依偎著這段回憶並爲此活下去
即使無情如我,至今仍無法忘記)

對別人而言,這像是一首情歌。但對我而言,我只能苦笑,因爲把歌詞中的「君」(你)換上睡眠兩個字,把「寄り添いながら生きている」(我依偎著這段回憶並爲此活下去)想像成自己緬懷很多年以前那段不曾失眠的日子,中島美嘉這首歌正好可以爲我療傷。

失眠
心裏淌著血
拼命撐開雙眼
以中島美嘉的歌聲療傷

好一個生命的paradox

Insomnia, again. A nightmare recurring regularly, insomnia entangles my life endlessly. And the unceasing perplexity is no picnic as it has been troubling me for seven to eight years, during which the recurrence exhausted my soul. I don’t know for how many nights I have been staying awake and still forcing myself to open my eyes to drive the next day. My heart, which is bleeding due to insomnia, has no strength to calculate how many days I suffer from insomnia every year.

The CD player in my car is playing Nakashima Mika’s Hitori:

君といた想い出に
寄り添いながら生きている
情けない僕だけど
今でも
忘れられない

(The memory I have had with you lingers
I am leaning against the memory and surviving on it
A person as merciless as me still can’t forget until now)

For most people, this sounds like a love song. But for me, I cannot but smile bitterly. For when I replace 君 (kimi, you) with sleep, imagining myself recalling the old days when I had sound sleep when singing 寄り添いながら生きている (I am leaning against the memory and surviving on it), Nakashima’s song is healing my wound.

Insomnia
Bleeding heart
Forcefully opening my eyes
Healing with Nakashima’s singing

What a paradox in life

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