寄望愛情? 算了吧 Never Anticipate Romance

Sketching: http://thespringbear.tumblr.com/post/26259932708/hi-nice-to-see-you-a-presentation-of-my-sketch

近來有幾位朋友失戀,覺得很不開心就找我談心事。先不要說誰拋棄了誰,總結他們的經驗,我發現其中一個共同點:對愛情寄以厚望。愛情是美好的,但偏偏這種美好往往稍縱即逝,當你從箇中甜蜜中清醒一下的時候,或者當你陶醉其中的時候,其實愛情就已經離去了。當愛情離去的時候,不論你是在深夜裏獨自徘徊在你和她曾經一起漫步的街道而在心裏默默想起陳百強的〈等〉

等 寂寞到夜深
夜已漸荒涼 夜已漸昏暗

還是戴著刻著深愛的她的名字的項鍊,回憶起以前的種種浪漫天真覺得痛徹心扉而想要逃離自己的靈魂:

我告訴自己愛情早已走遠 可是胸前還掛著妳的項鍊
逃離這城市 還剩甚麼可留在心底 忘記妳不如忘記自己

~ 王傑〈忘記妳不如忘記自己〉

任你再用盡所有力量去懷念過去,已然消逝的愛情也不會再回來。你再怎麼可憐,經已離去的人也不會回頭。這就是愛情。它來得很快,消失得更快。更可悲的是,一旦離開了大學,愛情就經已不存在。工作的時候談的戀愛,大多是一種算計:跟這個人在一起有甚麼好處,對我事業錢途有無幫助,能否幫我提升社會地位。或者是在社會的壓力之下草草跟某某結婚組織新家庭,別人才從此認定你「經已成熟穩重」,不會再吊吊揈(diu4 diu2 fing6,粵語俚語,意即吊兒郎當)。以前你對某人的那種單純的喜歡、暗戀?這些事情大概過了二十多歲之後就沒有了。話雖如此,我們可以爲自己單純喜歡一個人而覺得開心,但最好不要寄望愛情。你終究會失望的。愛情出現可能祇有短短的十分鐘,也可能祇有幾天、幾個星期、幾個月。短暫如流星般的光芒,祇可以欣賞,不可以寄以厚望它會永遠存在。

以數學來說,流星般的愛情的或然率太低,你若將所有心血都寄託在愛情,你大概會深深體會那英〈夢醒了〉的意境:

你給我一個到那片天空的地址 祇因爲太高摔得我血流不止
帶著傷口回到當初背叛的城市 唯一收容我的卻是自己的影子

以投資學的角度來說,對愛情寄以厚望結果落得心碎的機率太高,這種投資很不划算。但如果你對自己寄以厚望,譬如學好日文、專心工作、每天下班回家多讀幾本書,這種投資就很划算,因爲你可以完全掌握它,埋頭苦幹就是了,哪怕你需要付出百分之一百二十的努力,祇要你肯付出,之後進入腦袋的知識、或者自己的專業能力,完全都是你自己的。與其寄望流星般的愛情,還不如寄望在這些事情上。

一段戀情若要修成正果,愛情祇是開始,後面成熟的階段必須靠親情。也就是說你對自己另一半要有一種親人的感覺,愛情是種子,昇華成親人的感覺的時候它經已長成一棵樹。但這也必須靠緣份,沒有緣份,再多的感覺也祇是枉然。有就有,沒有就沒有,就是這麼簡單而已。

如果沒有,也許你沒有這個緣份去擁有可以陪伴你走完人生的另一半,但也許命運早已爲你安排另一個伴侶,祇是那伴侶出現的形式不一樣而已。那也許是你的事業,你的興趣。人的宿命也是很奧妙的,有些人事業不錯,但偏偏承受不住社會壓力而隨便找一個人結婚就毀了一生。有些人很成功,幾經波折之後成就大業,但偏偏沒有緣份而一直都單身。這也許就是人們常說的上帝爲你關上一道門,一定會爲你打開一扇窗吧。生命總是不斷經歷 a take and a give,好像真的很少人能夠所有事情都很美滿的。

不管怎樣,對於自己曾經喜歡的那個人,你必須衷心感激她讓你也曾有過真心喜歡一個人的感覺。你或許可以爲她畫一幅素描,掛在家裏牆壁也好,收藏在心裏也罷,最重要是記得她的美好。當你有一天在百忙之中猛然想起她,午夜夢迴的時候細細回味她的微笑與溫柔,其實這又何嘗不是美事一樁,畢竟你還有一種叫作回憶的美酒可以慢慢品嚐。

愛若難以放進手裏 何不將這雙手放進心裏
時間會走 當失戀的我開始與旁人攜著手
但甚麼可以擁有 纏在那頸背後
最美麗長髮未留在我手 我也開心飲過酒

~ 陳奕迅〈人來人往〉

I have some friends who wear the willow and spoke to me recently. Forget about who is dumping who, I found a commonality from their experiences—high anticipation of a romance. It is wonderful to be falling in love; however, saddeningly, romance is transient—when you awake from the sweetness for a short while, or when you are indulging in the beauty of love, romance has already faded away. When love vanishes, whether you are lingering alone in the middle of the night in the streets where you loitered with her and resembling Danny Chan’s Waiting:

Waiting, alone until late night
The night is getting lonesome
The night is getting darker

Or, wearing a necklace with her name and recalling the romantic and sweet moments you had with the girl you love deeply, you feel like you want to escape from your soul:

I told myself love has faded away
But I am still wearing your necklace
Escaping from this city
What am I left with deep in my heart
I would rather forget about myself than forgetting you

~ Dave Wang I Would Rather Forget about Myself than Forgetting You

Even if you exhaust yourself to think of the past, the already-faded-away romance will never return again. No matter how pitiful you are, the person who dumped you will never come back to you. This is love. It comes really swiftly, and fades away even swifter. More saddening still, love does not exist after university. The romantic relationships occur during work life are rather a sort of plotting—what are the advantages to get involved with this person? Does it enhance my career and financial status and help me climb up the social ladder? Or you are forced to get married blindly under social pressure so that people think you are really mature and accountable and no longer dilly-dallying (in Cantonese, dilly-dally is aptly described as diu4 diu2 fing6). Remember the time when you like someone just because you really like her? Remember the time when you were having a secret crush on someone? These feelings rarely occur after you are twenty-something-years old or so. Having said so, we should still feel happy for having a crush on someone sincerely. But no high anticipation on it though; you will be disappointed at the end of the day. Romance pops up for ten minutes, or a stint of days, weeks or months. As the rays of light of romance are similar to that of the shooting stars, we shall only appreciate the beauty of the light and never anticipate it will exist forever.

In mathematical terms, the possibility of shooting-star-liked romance is too low. If you are to put all your hope and effort in romance, you will probably understand Na Ying’s Awakening from Dream very deeply:

You gave me an address of the sky
But it was too high that I fell and was bleeding continuously
With my wound, I went back to the once-betrayed-by-me city
Where only my own shadow accepts me

Speaking in investment terms, the possibility of getting your heart broken into pieces when you anticipate romance is too high. Which means this investment is not worth. Contrarily, your investment will be really lucrative if you put high hope on yourself—get yourself to work hard to master Japanese language, focus on your work and read more after coming home from work. This is because you are in full control of it; all you need to do is to work hard. Even if you need to put in 120 per cent of your effort, everything that you gain—your knowledge, your professional skills—will belong to you entirely. Instead of anticipating romance, why not anticipate yourself to work on these matters?

If a love relationship is to flourish and enter marriage, romance is just the initial stage, and it needs kinship when the relationship matures. In other words, you need to have the feeling that your lover is your family member. Romance is just a seed; it grows into a tree when the love upgrades to the feeling of a family member. But this attributes to affinity as well; without affinity, whatever feeling is still useless. It exists when it exists; it does not exist when it does not exist. As simple as that.

If it does not exist, perhaps you don’t have the luck, the affinity to have the company of your own partner to live the rest of your life together. Fate might as well arrange another partner for you—just that the partner appears in another form. It may be your career or your interests. Our destiny is rather mysterious. Some enjoy good careers but destroy their lives when they married someone blindly due to social pressure. Some achieve successful careers after several setbacks but still remain single due to the lack of luck and affinity. This is perhaps what the saying when God closes a door, He opens a window means. We encounter countless a-take-and-a-give circumstances in life, and it seems like it is really rare for us to have near-to-perfect life.

No matter how, for the person that you once had a crush on, you must thank her for giving you the feeling of loving someone sincerely. Perhaps you can come up with a sketching of her. It doesn’t matter if you are to hang the sketching on the wall or keep it in your heart; the most important thing is to remember her loveliness. When you think of her all of sudden amidst busy work life and recall the traces of her smile and tenderness during late night dream—isn’t this wonderful? You can still sip a nice wine named remembrance slowly, after all.

If you find it hard to grasp love with your hands
Why don’t you put this pair of hands in your heart
Time will pass; when I, who was once wearing the willow, hold hands with someone else
But what I can possess, after all
My hands no longer hold the prettiest hair behind her neck
But at least I downed the wine happily

~ Eason Chan Passer-By Crowd

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