而立之年 Into My Thirties


昨夜西風凋碧樹
獨上高樓
望盡天涯路
~ 晏殊〈蝶戀花〉

West wind shrivelled the trees yesternight
Alone I ascended the tower
And gazed at the remotest road

~ YAN SHU Flower-Loving Butterfly

Photograph: Studio247

2012年7月11日,我正式加入而立之年俱樂部。不管在這一日來臨之前,我是多麼自欺地告訴旁人我仍是二十九歲,還是在二十多歲的每一年的生日來臨之前貪那歲數少了一年而在那裏一晌貪歡,但這一日來到,我便不得不強逼自己要記住自己的歲數經已多加了一個一。而到了今日,我自欺也好,企圖在別人面前詐傻扮懵也罷,我經已沒有那些二字頭歲月裏的那一份青澀,更不可能再繼續高唱Beyond的〈阿博〉

我叫阿博 經已廿幾
人人在忙 但我最愛嬉戲
個個說我 荒廢自己
人人自危 獨我愛理不理

所有說話我已經聽夠
讓理想消散如煙 管他今生會點

一些人在三十歲左右或之前就做了一些流芳千古的大事業。村上春樹在二十九歲寫第一部小說《聽風的歌》、Beyond在三十歲之前第一次在紅磡體育館開唱、愛爾蘭搖滾班霸U2發表The Joshua Tree大碟並贏得葛萊美音樂獎時主音Bono年方廿七、Thom Yorke領軍的Radiohead發表OK Computer大碟、Luna Sea早在三十歲就經已在日本搖滾樂壇寫下了十年的歷史樂章然後在Tokyo Dome舉辦兩場The Final Act演唱會之後暫時解散….

看著前輩的藝術成就,我不禁汗顏:他們三十歲就經已爲世界留下了一些足以教後世引以爲傲的藝術作品,而我又到底創作了些什麼?若又要以「藝術作品需要時間醞釀」來安撫自己,我是不會甘心的,我會逼自己更積極一些。應該可以這麼講,當我覺得有一些作品是非完成不可的時候,我就會盡快完成,畢竟作品的速度多少是自己可以掌控的,特別是技術上沒有什麼問題的時候。

我的生活好似好積極?其實也不盡然。

生長在這個年代,身邊一切的一切都顯得那麼荒謬,尤其是跟政治有關的事情。我很痛恨政治,但又喜歡假裝關心政治,其實心中最卑微的願望就只不過是希望某一個早上起身出門食早餐嘆咖啡的時候,那些面目可憎的政治人物可以不要剛好出現在咖啡廳的電視螢幕上,或者隔壁桌大叔手中那份報紙的頭版可以不是他們的照片。三十歲了,我都還不能明白何以人世間的報紙頭條都在講一些悲哀的事情,不是某某黨團攻訐敵對陣營,就是某某國家又在印鈔票還大言不慚地號稱什麼credit easing或quantitative easing (量化寬鬆),或者是氣候變得極端某某地方突然下雪某某所在暴雨淹沒多少個村落。整天講這些事情講了這麼多年,我們不會覺得無聊嗎?爲什麼報紙就是不可以在頭版刊登一些好玩的事情,譬如研究一下用電飯鍋煮咖啡會不會比較香、穿皮鞋游泳會不會抽筋、或者在頭版徵文,標題爲〈昨晚外星人綁架了我,然後….〉,請讀者投稿天馬行空寫故事,第二天把最精彩的故事登在頭版,請讀者再接力寫第三天的故事。這才是第四權吧,保證人人天天大笑的第四權,我在想。

好吧,不要看報紙,專心工作、生活總可以了吧?但偏偏在這個年代,任憑我逃到什麼地方,我都必須面對一個事實:除非你有一種可以當上領高薪的上班族的命水,否則你走在天涯海角都只不過是一個買不起房子的打工仔。另一個事實就是:在這個極端的年代,這一秒出大太陽下一秒落大雨,今天有飯吃明天全球糧食嚴重短缺,唸了幾個學位證照仍然做短期派遣工作,銀行早上說要擴充經營下午馬上倒閉…..一切的一切都不再像以前那麼理所當然,然後全球人口突破七十億大關再翻一倍兩倍,大家草木皆兵發動軍隊開戰搶糧食、石油、乾淨用水。若把這一切都看得透徹,我實在不明白到底這個世界還剩下什麼希望,原來「沒有希望」這四個字就是我們留給子孫的禮物(若你還認爲你應該讓孩子來到這個悲慘世界的話)。

這些事情我都看得很煩躁。但既然道家哲學說有即是無,無即是有,世事盡皆有無相生,那我也來有無相生一下:我知道這個世界經已失去了希望(無),我就期望創作一些讓自己開心的作品(有),然後積極學習村上的生活態度,也就是他說的—

「我沒有那些隨著年齡增長會累積的東西,例如公司同事,例如小孩。因爲沒有這些,『歲月』對我而言是不存在的,而這世界上除了我太太之外,我什麼都沒有,這種『靠自己活下去』的心情,或許就是自由。」

Anyway, come what it may. 至少努力過,至少嘗試過活出心目中的自己。

這一生 或者一出發 已在歸去
至少不會 沒有開始 就已草草結束

~ 陳奕迅〈結束開始〉

多謝每一位祝我生日快樂的人。

11 July 2012, I have officially joined the 30s club. Prior to the arrival of this day, no matter how manipulating did I try to tell people around me that I am still 29 years old, no matter how I indulged in the false joy to be one year younger before my birthday during my 20s, but once this day comes around, I couldn’t but to force myself remember that I am already one year older. And today, be it self-deceiving or pretending to be knowing nothing in front of others, I have already lost the youthfulness in my 20s, and it is impossible to still carry on singing Beyond’s Ah Bok:–

I’m Ah Bok, already twenty-something years old
Everybody’s busy but I love playing a fool most
Everybody says I’m wasting myself
Everybody feels insecure and I’m the only one who doesn’t care

I’m done with all those rantings
Let my ideal disappear; who cares how present life will be like

A number of people have accomplished great careers and left a good name in history around 30 years old or well before it. Haruki Murakami wrote his first novel Hear the Wind Sing when he was 29; Beyond had their first concert in Hong Kong Coliseum in the second half of their 20s; when top Irish rock band U2 released their Grammy Award-winning album The Joshua Tree vocalist Bono was just 27; Radiohead, led by vocalist Thom Yorke, released OK Computer album; and Luna Sea, when they were 30 years old, they had already written ten-year music notes in Japanese rock music history, and disbanded temporarily right after The Final Act, a two-night concert, in Tokyo Dome.

Looking at the art achievement of these seniors, I felt deeply ashamed—they have left for the world some artworks which the future generation will be very proud of. And looking at myself, what I have created for my own artwork? I will never succumb to nor console myself with the lame excuse that creating artwork is time-consuming, and I will force myself to be more zealous. Put it this way, when I think to myself that I should not procrastinate some projects anymore, I will get it done as soon as possible. After all, I can still control the speed of my artwork production, especially when there aren’t any technical problems.

I sound like an enthusiast? Not really.

Living in this era, every bit of everything seems so ridiculous, especially those matters related to politics. I really hate politics, however, I enjoy pretending that I care about politics. In fact, it is my humblest wish to have woken up one morning and enjoy breakfast in a café without those irritating politicians appearing on the café’s TV screen. Or the front page of the newspaper held by the uncle sitting at next table do not show their faces. 30 years old by now, I still can’t quite figure out why on earth those worldly newspapers have been ranting about saddening stuff. If it is not grumbling about a political party attacking its opponent, it may be about this country A or B is printing money and justifies its money-photostatting shamelessly with whatsoever financial terms like credit easing or quantitative easing. Or, the climate change is getting out of hand in that it snows in certain place all of sudden, and it rains cats and dogs in this or that country and how many villages are flooded. Blah blah blah. Don’t we feel bored when we are talking about these matters for years and years? Why just can’t newspapers discuss something interesting on their front pages? Such as conducting a research to find out if a rice cooker makes better coffee, or do we cramp if we put on leather shoes to swim? Or a newspaper calls for story submissions on its front page with the title Aliens Kidnapped Me Last Night, and…. Invite the readers to write with their creative juice flowing, publish the best story on the next day’s front page, and invite the readers to carry on with the marathon to write the third day’s story. This is the truly Fourth Estate, I guess, the Fourth Estate which ensures people laugh their heads off everyday.

Alright, throw away all newspapers, focus on my own work and life. Is this all-right? Unfortunately, living in this era, no matter wherever I escape, I will still have to deal with a very fact—unless you happen to have the luck to be a high income office worker, otherwise, whichever corner of the world you go, you are still a poor employee who can’t afford your own apartment. Another very fact is that in this era of extremism, it is freaking hot right now and downpour rages the next second; you have your meals today and severe global food crisis occurs tomorrow; obtained several degrees and certifications but still working on contract basis; in the morning the bank says it is going to expand its business, and it goes bankrupt in the afternoon…..Every bit of everything is no longer a matter of course as the past, and world population hits 7 billion and the number doubles and triples, people become restless and bring soldiers to war to grab food, oil and clean water. When we observe these scenarios thoroughly, I really do not understand what sort of hope is left for this world. And it turns out to be, hopelessness is the gift we leave for our kids and grandchildren (if you still think you should bring your kids to this miserable world).

I observe these matters rather fidgetingly. But since Taoism philosophy professes something means nothing, nothing means something; every worldly matter is all about something and nothing breeding each other, so allow me to talk about something and nothing is breeding each other—I know the world has lost its hope (nothing), so I anticipate myself to create some artwork which makes me happy (something), and be keen to learn Murakami’s attitude in life, which he says—

“I don’t have those stuff that accumulates as I grow older, like colleagues and children. Since I don’t have these stuff, time and age mean nothing to me. I have nothing in this world but my wife. The feeling of surviving on my own feet, is perhaps freedom.”

Anyway, come what it may. At least I have worked hard, and tried to live out my ideal self.

This life, is perhaps going back when it starts,
At least, you never end it hastily without even a start.
~ EASON CHAN Ending Starting

Thanks to every person who wishes me happy birthday.

14 thoughts on “而立之年 Into My Thirties”

  1. 生日快樂呀文傑(想不到你也進入三十俱樂部了哈哈) 跟你類似的慨歎在我剛加入的時候也在部落格發過一次 然後今年加入四十俱樂部就沒感覺了…快快把握有感覺的時光吧~人生中最是短暫又不可追回的就是青春了 Eva Huang

  2.   這個時代意識型態逐漸消退,滾燙的民族情懷已無意義,宏偉的家國抱負徒成諷刺,沒有使命加身的80青年,面對著現代化無止盡的擴張、資本主義囂囂塵上,其實我真的很累,早已生起回頭鑽進古書今塵的念頭了(只是諷刺的是我崇尚的中國只是精神原鄉,現實的那塊只是大陸,卻非中國)。
      文末奕迅副歌起頭糾我心扉,嬰孩之啼當只是迎接新生的惶恐不安,竟瞬地超拔釋爲知悉死亡開始倒數的絕望。  
      這首歌的哭,真是重逾萬斤的哭,不是個人際遇怨天尤人的哭,是哀憫世人不可逃避之殤的哭。驀地浮現起佛家「有生皆苦」,苦呀!這樣的哭隨風飄揚加劇始終不散,當再不輕淚的我們自許爲丈夫,笑對滄滄江湖,這笑是豪笑抑是苦笑?笑的起心動念竟與生之始哭相同,也只能徒呼負負了。
      感傷到此打住吧,閱讀詩詞時固會爲此中際遇神傷,但我卻不想在十年之後與你相逢只能苦笑言語「乍見翻疑夢,相悲各問年」呀。
      文傑,而立之年、生日快樂,對於創作,我高度的相信對於作者本身有強大的治療學的作用。當你不吐不快、不平則鳴時,不僅是一種立言與宣誓,也抒發撫慰了自身焦躁灰澀的心靈。這篇文章想必也是你對自己的期許,於三十之年站穩腳步立身寫出更讓自己滿意的作品吧!
        by  台灣的老同學

  3. 煌:慶幸師大的朋友都各自朝自己的方向前進。希望下次在臺灣相聚,我們經已reach new heights of success

  4. 左岸飲酒:寫作確實可以療傷,那是跟自己內心世界的對話,必須很坦率面對自己,但偏偏人有時候連自己的影子與心聲都想逃避。

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